It happened. 24 years of consciousness on this planet and today of all the days was the day that it finally happened. What happened, you ask? What could possibly be so horrid, so embarrassing, SO SOUL SHATTERING that I would make it this big of a deal? Well, seeing as how now I've had time to process everything that has transpired and I'm no longer ashamed of myself, I'll share with you. BUT BE WARNED, this tale is not for the faint of heart... or rather, stomach. Let it be known that today at exactly 10:00 a.m. ON THE MOTHER F****** DOT....
I shat my pants. Not once. But TWICE.
Yes. Re-read that if you must, get it in your pretty little heads. Alright let's move on I SAID LET'S MOVE ON *ushers loiters away, pulls out gun and shoots thrice in the air, everyone screams and scatters like cockroaches* It all began YESTERDAY.
It all started when I had these really really really old eggo waffles that I found at my parents house. I ate about 4 of them, and then only a few minutes afterwards I got the indigestion cramps and the diarrhea ensued. I thought maybe that was it and I stayed well enough away... at least for the rest of the night. The next morning, I was struck with more stomach pain but nothing came out so I thought maybe it was just some weird morning aftershock from the night before. Because I was too lazy, I decided to eat a few more of those waffles, which was a HUGE mistake because for the rest of the day I've had on and off pooping sessions and I even had to leave work early! I consulted one of my roommates and was informed that eggo waffles don't really expire but they can get freezer burnt.
Now now, wait a minute-- I've had freezer burnt things before and have never experienced anything like this before. So just what on earth was happening? WELL, turns out that Jon (the calvin klien roommate in my snaps-- you know the one, don't play COY WITH ME) had something similar the week before. We had always assumed that it was something he ate, but he decides to confess and come clean and "mentions" that he also did have a stomach flu-bug type thing.
Excuse me *shifts in seat, crosses legs, inhales sharply* but what dafuq? Who have I basically been connected at the hip to for the past week??? Anyway, thinking that maybe it was just a coincidence I didn't think too much of it. UNTIL THIS MORNING.
*dance of the sugarplum fairy plays lightly in the background* I made it a point to not eat anything since I was terrified for my bowels. I picked up my friend and we headed to our first class and about midway through, I felt it. The rumble. The indigestion cramps began. I began to sweat a little, but my friend informed me that there were only 5 minutes left of class and to hold it. Well, I was able to fight off the first wave through sheer willpower and I was fine for a while. As we were walking towards her second class, it came again albeit a little stronger. It felt like mostly air and I let a little out. It was a big moist, but I mistook it for sweat and didn't think anything of it. Finally, we reached a bathroom. I relieved most of it, and was fine. Well, my friend went off to her next class and I began to walk through to the next building on my way to my car. Then it hit. The third wave. This was so strong, I had to stop and sit down for a moment. Naturally it was during class change and there were so many people so I tried my best to look normal, or as normal one could look whilst holding back the demons of hell trying desperately to expel themselves from your very bowels and quite literally "explode out yer ass".
BUT I WOULD NOT YEILD! "Jordan!" I said to myself, beads of sweat dripping down my face, "You're strong enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it you're--" SQUISH. Oh god no.... Jordan, you get your shit together and you clench that hole like your very soul depended on it beCAUSE IT DOES AND-- SQUIIIRRRT. Okay. Okay. *pauses* No big deal, I just.... just umm, it's probably not even that much. As my mind raced thinking as to where the nearest bathroom was (which was the 5th floor where no one would see me or god forbid SMELL me) I could feel the unsettling warmth settling in. I knew that it was only moments before it soaked through my underwear, so I did what any sensible person would do and decided to make a break for the 5th floor. oh dear sweet mother Mary give me STRENGTH! I got my ass in gear and hulked my way to the elevator, being careful not to step too hard or lean to far as to disturb the small pool that was slowly bathing my under-cheeks. I made it to the 5th floor bathroom and thankfully no one was there and I delicately pulled down my trousers and there it was. a small semi-solid (mostly liquid) greenish brown pool. I was too terrified to see what it had done to my joggers, and ohohohoho what LUCK! My underwear absorbed most of the blast and there was not one spot on my joggers (I buy them very loose fitting so there was a lot of room for them to avoid the mess) now I just had to clean up and dispose of the evidence.
One of my dear friends, Colt (a fellow music student) was the first person who I thought of in this instance because I knew that around this time he is in the library. I texted him and sure enough he was there. I told him I had a dilemma and bless his heart he totally came through. He bought me a new pair of undies and kept me company while I concluded my business. Once the coast was clear, I made a mad dash to my car and went straight home where I currently reside and will remain for the rest of the day. There is no way that I'm leaving the safety of my bathroom again, because it got so much worse you guys. It's about a good 10 minute break in between sessions and I can only hope that it passes quickly and that I never have to experience that again. Let this be a lesson to you: If you have explosive diarrhea, don't go to school. Stay home. Because if you don't, you'll find yourself in a very public place fighting to keep your sphincter shut and that, my dear babushkas, is a fight that you WILL LOSE.
That is all.
