Episode Two: Shit Happens

It happened. 24 years of consciousness on this planet and today of all the days was the day that it finally happened. What happened, you ask? What could possibly be so horrid, so embarrassing, SO SOUL SHATTERING that I would make it this big of a deal? Well, seeing as how now I've had time to process everything that has transpired and I'm no longer ashamed of myself, I'll share with you. BUT BE WARNED, this tale is not for the faint of heart... or rather, stomach. Let it be known that today at exactly 10:00 a.m. ON THE MOTHER F****** DOT....

I shat my pants. Not once. But TWICE.


Yes. Re-read that if you must, get it in your pretty little heads. Alright let's move on I SAID LET'S MOVE ON *ushers loiters away, pulls out gun and shoots thrice in the air, everyone screams and scatters like cockroaches* It all began YESTERDAY.

It all started when I had these really really really old eggo waffles that I found at my parents house. I ate about 4 of them, and then only a few minutes afterwards I got the indigestion cramps and the diarrhea ensued. I thought maybe that was it and I stayed well enough away... at least for the rest of the night. The next morning, I was struck with more stomach pain but nothing came out so I thought maybe it was just some weird morning aftershock from the night before. Because I was too lazy, I decided to eat a few more of those waffles, which was a HUGE mistake because for the rest of the day I've had on and off pooping sessions and I even had to leave work early! I consulted one of my roommates and was informed that eggo waffles don't really expire but they can get freezer burnt.

Now now, wait a minute-- I've had freezer burnt things before and have never experienced anything like this before. So just what on earth was happening? WELL, turns out that Jon (the calvin klien roommate in my snaps-- you know the one, don't play COY WITH ME) had something similar the week before. We had always assumed that it was something he ate, but he decides to confess and come clean and "mentions" that he also did have a stomach flu-bug type thing.

Excuse me *shifts in seat, crosses legs, inhales sharply* but what dafuq? Who have I basically been connected at the hip to for the past week??? Anyway, thinking that maybe it was just a coincidence I didn't think too much of it. UNTIL THIS MORNING.

*dance of the sugarplum fairy plays lightly in the background* I made it a point to not eat anything since I was terrified for my bowels. I picked up my friend and we headed to our first class and about midway through, I felt it. The rumble. The indigestion cramps began. I began to sweat a little, but my friend informed me that there were only 5 minutes left of class and to hold it. Well, I was able to fight off the first wave through sheer willpower and I was fine for a while. As we were walking towards her second class, it came again albeit a little stronger. It felt like mostly air and I let a little out. It was a big moist, but I mistook it for sweat and didn't think anything of it. Finally, we reached a bathroom. I relieved most of it, and was fine. Well, my friend went off to her next class and I began to walk through to the next building on my way to my car. Then it hit. The third wave. This was so strong, I had to stop and sit down for a moment. Naturally it was during class change and there were so many people so I tried my best to look normal, or as normal one could look whilst holding back the demons of hell trying desperately to expel themselves from your very bowels and quite literally "explode out yer ass".

BUT I WOULD NOT YEILD! "Jordan!" I said to myself, beads of sweat dripping down my face, "You're strong enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it you're--" SQUISH. Oh god no.... Jordan, you get your shit together and you clench that hole like your very soul depended on it beCAUSE IT DOES AND-- SQUIIIRRRT. Okay. Okay. *pauses* No big deal, I just.... just umm, it's probably not even that much. As my mind raced thinking as to where the nearest bathroom was (which was the 5th floor where no one would see me or god forbid SMELL me) I could feel the unsettling warmth settling in. I knew that it was only moments before it soaked through my underwear, so I did what any sensible person would do and decided to make a break for the 5th floor. oh dear sweet mother Mary give me STRENGTH! I got my ass in gear and hulked my way to the elevator, being careful not to step too hard or lean to far as to disturb the small pool that was slowly bathing my under-cheeks. I made it to the 5th floor bathroom and thankfully no one was there and I delicately pulled down my trousers and there it was. a small semi-solid (mostly liquid) greenish brown pool. I was too terrified to see what it had done to my joggers, and ohohohoho what LUCK! My underwear absorbed most of the blast and there was not one spot on my joggers (I buy them very loose fitting so there was a lot of room for them to avoid the mess) now I just had to clean up and dispose of the evidence.

One of my dear friends, Colt (a fellow music student) was the first person who I thought of in this instance because I knew that around this time he is in the library. I texted him and sure enough he was there. I told him I had a dilemma and bless his heart he totally came through. He bought me a new pair of undies and kept me company while I concluded my business. Once the coast was clear, I made a mad dash to my car and went straight home where I currently reside and will remain for the rest of the day. There is no way that I'm leaving the safety of my bathroom again, because it got so much worse you guys. It's about a good 10 minute break in between sessions and I can only hope that it passes quickly and that I never have to experience that again. Let this be a lesson to you: If you have explosive diarrhea, don't go to school. Stay home. Because if you don't, you'll find yourself in a very public place fighting to keep your sphincter shut and that, my dear babushkas, is a fight that you WILL LOSE.

That is all.

SEASON ONE: Episode One-- Reincarnated/Beware the Furr

*Clouds swirl in the sky, gradually darkening until all is still and black, a colorless form emerges from the darkness as lightning sparks from above and wind starts to pick up, the colorless starts to take shape in the form of a young adult male (well endowed if I must say so myself) and the dark clouds swirl around him to form a glorious cloak, the remaining mass billowing and the wind now roaring at max speed as comets shoot down from the cosmos striking the solid earth beneath the glorious cloaked figure that took on the color of both light and dark becoming a majestic mixture of both as the earth shakes from the impact of the fallen stars and lightning ignites intensely creating a spectacular array of light cycling through the spectrum, an angelic choir begins to crescendo in D major until the climax is reached and the clouds depart and the lightning ceases revealing naught but the blue sky, the light and warmth of the sun embracing all under it's gaze as the wreckage is covered in green hills and cerulean rivers as the cloaked figure descends from the sky, arms spread open for all to witness his glory as he lets out a hearty laugh, his dark eyes piercing the very souls of his peers who have all come to welcome him back to the world*


Okay, before we go any deeper not this can I just say that I did not at all notice or even mean to make that entrance paragraph sound like the second coming! I apologize, I am not Jesus nor the sign of his coming (I would go rewrite it but even you have to admit that writing is freaking GOLD)


HELLO my babushkas. It has been quite some time!!! I've been meaning to blog in bla blablablablaaa You've heard the excuse before. BUT now that school has officially started (I am in the second block of the semester because-- LAZY) I don't have an excuse to not do this anymore since I'll be writing my life away anyway...s. If you saw my Facebook post, then I bet you're wondering "Jordan, why would you get rid of all those cringe worthy yet fantastic posts???" Well my faithful peasants, I decided it was time to clean up everything and start fresh. It's a new year(s) and I wanted a clean slate. The past is the past and I didn't want it cluttering everything up. Plus I wanted to have actual seasons that coincided with everything and well, so much is different (yet not...figure that one out) and I just WANTED TO OKAY STOP JUDGING ME! And let's judge someone else :D

For those returning, you'll know that my life is a movie and that every unfortunate thing that could happen to me, will happen to me. So rather than whine about it I decide to share it with you! I can appreciate the humor in my mishaps, however unnecessary they may be. LIKE THIS ONE. You all remember Daniel, don't you? Well....This doesn't even COMPARE. Let the uncomfortable, over-informed stories commence *disney princess stride*

For those of you who do not know, Daniel was one of my old roommates that used to watch anime animal porn on his computer and well....Just an overall creep. That's all I care to say about it. Now, THIS guy decided to take it juuuuuuuust a few steps further. Or rather the whole stair case..es... Like 2 or 3 stair cases of steps. Like everything he just takes all the steps, ya? Now, I've learned from past mistakes and I will handle this with more class and I will not disclose his name because overall, he is not a bad person you guys. He was actually rather nice. He was just.... Oh let's just start from the beginning *bursts out in song* A VERY GOOD PLACE TO STAAAAAAAAAART!

Lettuce begin. I was on a journey of epic proportions with my boys Andy and Clark down in Lake powell for about a week and a half. Or was it just a week? Meh. Either way, I get a text on saturday from my apartment complex informing me that I got a new roommate (I share a room. It's a master bedroom don't give me that look there was plenty of space *tsk* gawd) and of course I was a little hesitant but excited at the same time. After all, so far the new roommates have been pretty freaking awesome so I wasn't all to worried. Well, come sunday morn we drove back home from arguably the best weekend of my life and I drop of the guys and begin the drive to my apartment. I was so giddy! "What is he like? I hope he ain't ugly. Please be a nerd, I need someone to play Diablo with! I hope he likes sports. Please don't be awkward. OH a new gym buddy I can make Jon jealous with! Freaking Jon. He thinks he's the shit but he ain't I AM. I freaking love Jon he's my brother. I would die for that kid. Would I die for my new roommate? GASP! Would he die for me??? I hope he's rich, lawd know I could use m'self a sugah daddy" 

PAUSE: You guys, as I'm writing this one of the auto correct bubbles came up and I literally reached out and hit the "x" with my finger *laugh emoji* THIS ISN'T MY PHONE IT'S MY COMPUTER 

PLAY: Anyway, I get back to my place and I'm carrying my stuff up to my room, I get up there, open the door to my room and lo and behold there's my new roommate awkwardly sitting on his bed and looks at me through his spectacles with a  straight face and very heavily says "hhhhhHHHI". In the span of 3 seconds I sized him up (per ujh) and this is all that I noticed in that time-- "Unkempt hair. Glasses. Acne GALORE-- he's a nerd thank god. He has a cheetah print blanket? Work it, brother. Okay, I see he has a lot of stuff and didn't waste time moving in but that's okay we can share the space. Oh what's that over there? A Legend of Zelda Poster?! Winning. Oh he's hung some drawings on the wall. So he's an artist! What are they, animals? What are they dohhh....god no...."

It was in that moment that I surmised his identity as a furry. Now, I am aware that not all of you may be aware of what a furry is. Allow me to explain with PICTURES *Ursula Laugh*

Still don't get it? How about this one. It's more...user friendly? 

Theerrrrrre we go. That oughtta do it for ya. Anyway this is the ish that I came home to and man I was so happy you guys. I was just SO. HAPPY. *this is all lies I was having a heart attack* I honestly didn't think that it was going to be that bad so I tricked myself into thinking that I could do it, maybe he's a cool kid, I could use our love of Zelda as common ground and dismiss the rest. I start to put my things away from my trip and he informs me that he has a boyfriend that is coming over. Obvi, I don't have a huge problem with that so I just said "Oh cool bro, that's alright with me" you know-- thinking that he would just be stopping by and they would leave to do oh, idk... Human boyfriend stuff? BUT BECAUSE I'M UNBEARABLY NAIVE *disgruntled noises, random irritated sound effects, deep breath*

Now. For obvious reasons I will not go into detail because most of it is pretty personal (and I've already told the whole world anyway so it's not like y'all are missing out on anything) but that's exactly why I have to go into detail (come on. I know you know me better than that OF COURSE I'm going into detail. Yeezus please!) The first night wasn't so bad. We went to sleep at a reasonable hour because I had some classes the next morning and tbh he really didn't seem that bad AT FIRST. He was kinda shy, a lil weird and just all around a big geek which is awesome because they my people. I close my eyes and I'm whisked away to a dreamworld of zombie slaying and water bending per usual.  It wasn't until I heard soft voices in the background did I realize that I was awake and that my roommate was speaking with another person. It is here friends, that the true terror begins.

As I became more coherent the voices became louder and much more clearer. I was facing away from my roommate, facing the wall and wondering who he is talking to and what about? I looked at my phone (I sleep with my phone on the far end of my pillow and was able to check it without moving as my hand was right next to it) it was 6 twenty something in the morning. What the hell is the fuss going on this early? Then I heard very distinctly, "Oooohohoho....My little fox is horny this morning..." To which another higher pitched voice sounded in a sensual tone, "Only if it pleases the Hawk." My eyes shot open, I couldn't believe what I had just heard! Did he say fox? And in response, a Hawk??? What on earth would a fox and a hawk have in common that they-- and then it began. The sounds... the slurping... and the ttttalking UGH it was all too much. I didn't know what to do! I have never been put in this situation before. It was... curiously terrifying. I froze and laid there for god knows how long listening to them lap each other into a frenzy until a new noise was introduced. They stopped for a bit and did what I assume was kissing (mouths? other stimulating body parts?) and a light chuckle and he said something else I couldn't quite understand, but then they continued the blowing of jobs but with an added sound that went something like this *simulates going down on someone* "Meowwmm....meowwmmmm....*gag, gag* Meeeooowwwmmmmm....*

Yeah. Yeah.  They were MEOWING. MOANING. MM...MMMEOANING. "Ohoo, Meowhohohowowow....meowwwhahaaowww..." This is a real thing. There is no way at all that I can make this up. I would never make this up. After a few moments of that led them to some...penetrative...activity. This was brief, as I made the mistake of faintly coughing and they became aware of my presence. "Perhapssss we should move this to the shower my little foXXX" "If it pleases the haw..k" And they slinked probably the longest slink ever off of their bed and around the corner to the bathroom. I could see over the hedge of my shoulder and saw 2 prominent fox ears and a tail stride by and followed by a tall figure (my roommate) and then heard the bathroom door shut. They wasted no time as when the door shut the shower abruptly began spouting water into the basin and the guttural, almost feral and high pitched yelp of someone taking a big one up the ass could be heard across the land. I paused for a bit, then scrambled as quickly as I could out of the room. I sat in our living room confused, disgusted but overall disturbed. Had that really just happened? Like... that was all real! No way that this was a dream because I would have been sooooo worried had it all been so. I looked at my phone to check the time and it was 8:45. 2 hours I was in that room with those creatures... for 2 hours I laid in bed motionless while they were 5 feet away from me getting busy. From then on, everything spiraled downwards out of control. 

That very day I met with my R.A, (residential advisor) and asked if there was a way to veto a roommate. I told him the story to which he said "Oh, yeah I know who you're talking about! We've had so many issues with him already and he was kicked out of his old room and they transferred him to your room. I'm sorry bro." I'm sorry, bro? Really? Reeeaaalllyyyyyyy??? But to be honest, he did realize the seriousness of the situation and was willing to help out and notify management. Several nights passed and I finally met with the head of the housing department and was able to tell him the story. Since then, my roommate has continued committing sexual acts while I was present, whether or not he cared I did not know but I do know that it started becoming a problem because I would come home from school or work and he would be porking in our room all day. Can you guys do something for me please? I just need you to IMAGINE, if you will-- the smell of your unfiltered room after someone has been having nonstop butt sex in there all day. 3 days in a row IN. A. ROW. Now you're thinking "why didn't you say something?" My friends, I did. I along with my other fellow roommates have confronted him several times. the smell from our room seemed to emanate from him and would waft throughout the rest of the apartment. But then it got worse. He then started to bring his other little furry friends over and have "massage parties" in our room. Mind you, these cuddly pals were well over the age of 30 and well... not to be rude but 'less desirable' as one who likes to dress up in a sweaty, dirty fur bag with a face and get porked again and again and again would be.

By this time, I have already met with head of housing and had a roommate agreement meeting with my R.A (the outcome was that we would come up with a schedule over who gets the room at what time and for how long, which was ridiculous because I pop in and out of our room so there is no set time in which I would specifically need the room, save for sleep or homework or IDK, RELAXING) and I haven't slept in my room for a good week and a half. I was done being nice with my roommate and started being real and perhaps a tad unpleasant for him to be around, but I mean overall he was just a creepy guy to be around. I explain him to my friends as "That guy you see across the street and say to yourself 'Huh. That looks like a man who likes kids.'" In that sense. Like a pedophile. You get it? See what I'm doing? Yes? Okay. Anyway, for about a month I had to deal with this. Anytime any of us talked to him, he would agree so that we would shut up and leave him alone. But then it started to trickle from the bedroom out into the living room. I walked out and they quickly covered themselves and pretended to be asleep. I was so beyond the point of caring I just looked at them and then left. But then one morning I snapped. They were having sex in the bathroom (per usual) and when they were done they left. I went to go get ready when the smell from our bathroom almost overwhelmed me (yes, that is a little dramatic but it still smelled bad) HOWEVER once I saw the blood on the toilet seat I lost my shit.

Now, I LOVE my apartment complex, I really do. I love my roommates Jon and Tyler and I didn't want to leave them, but I felt like I didn't have a choice. I was told already by management that they would take care of it and get rid of him but he was still HERE. I advertised that I was looking for a new place to live and it was then that I received contact from management and they had me and my other roommates send in statements about him. Now, I know I made it seem like the issue was that he was always having sex but that wasn't the issue. Part of, but not the sole reason. You see, there's a little thing called mutual respect that one must have especially when sharing a room. There was absolutely no respect since day one. I, being me, will always give someone the benefit of the doubt at first. "We just don't know each other well enough" I would tell myself, and believe me I tried SO HARD to be nice and not complain and figure out a solution, but he was just not willing to do so. Not only that, he got some sick enjoyment from creeping out the rest of the roommates. He would deliberately stand too close or sneak up on us, he never cleaned a thing, he would leave animal shaped penis dildos around the room, hung anal beads and pornographic animal cartoons from the walls, used condoms on the floor, DRAAAA-GON. CUM LUBE. *flinches* YAP, that's a real thing. Needless to say, we sent in our statements and then finally he was served with an eviction notice. It was like an early christmas in our apartment that day he finally moved out the rest of his stuff and he and his furry cuddly not so little friends left. The symmetry in our apartment has never been stronger, and I learned something very important about myself throughout this process.

I learned that although I have a ton of patience, I can only take so much before I finally snap. But the one thing I'm very proud of myself for is that throughout this whole ordeal, I was able to handle it in a very adult manner. Yes, my Facebook posts may have been ranting and whiny, but when it came right down to it I understood the importance of keeping it professional. My roommate was not a freak, nor was he a bad person. He was actually a very nice person, but unfortunately he just didn't fit in well with our dynamic. We did try-- I tried-- to include him in things, I talked to him about cartoons and video games but overall it was just too much. I guess what I'm saying is that if you want to dress up like an animal and have a sex party or two, go for it. Stay true and be you! But don't get a shared room at a student dorm with 5 other boys and then treat it like it doesn't matter how it makes everyone else feel. I simply just am not used to people like that and would rather not be around that. It's all about comfortability. I tried to open myself to that idea because I wanted us to all get along, but sometimes that just isn't the case. It's important to keep an open mind, but not at your own expense. It's a good thing that he got evicted. Sad, but good not only for us but for him because now he can go to a place where maybe he can be more comfortable being himself and playing with his friends and doing his thing. 

But I would be lying if didn't say that I am extremely grateful and overjoyed that I never have to see him again. *tee hee* :D

That is all.